Dear Editor:
Greetings. My name is Zayr Enesse A'osut, and I'm the main character of this humble storyline. First of all, let me say that I am quite pleased to hear such a reputable person has picked up our story and I expect great things will come of it. Having said that, I would like to express my concerns with a few points which I feel the author has come up a little short.
First off, there's the matter of my name itself. I feel that the author, despite having picked the name, shies away a tad from using it. I understand that the author has receieved some harsh criticism for the use of a single apostrophe in my last name (which, frankly, I think is a little uncalled for and blowing things completely out of propotion onto the level of anal-retentiveness on the part of her critics) and thus the author starts with many characters referring to me in a casual manner, which is inappropriate to my position in my hometown. For future reference, I would prefer that either my full name be used or not at all.
Also, I think that the prologue the author has written does not fit the rest of the story in terms of its scope and tone. The prologue itself comes across as very... high and mighty, to be blunt, and isn't a very good lead-in to a rather modest and down to earth character such as myself. Secondly, it covers material that is both irrelevant and does not fit with the world at large, nor the stories of the characters within. For example, there is no need to talk of elemental overlords we never meet, particularly when there is not a single bit of elemental-based magic in the entire plotline. There is also no need of having two kingdoms, one which is never a setting, that are at war. The countryside covered for the length of the story is remarkably lacking in war-torn status, and I can't help but feel that the author forgot that was ever in the prologue to begin with. Finally, the entire thing comes across as quite cliched and is uncharacteristic of the tone in which the author conducts the rest of the story. I would encourage you to do away with this prologue in its entirety.
If I may go on to express my opinion, I am not sure that any sort of prologue is necessary. The details of my small and humble hometown in relation to the rest of the kingdom the author peppers the opening scenes with are unneeded and unwanted. My hometown features only long enough for me to leave it. Again, my position in said town is also overly detailed; it is enough to state I am a minor lord of sorts and possibly mention my family's history on the land in passing. The continued references to my status (which really is not that high; when I say lord I mean we own a bit of land which hosts perhaps three other families and very little otherwise) frankly, makes me rather uncomfortable with the whole affair. I know there is a minor plot point which depends on this standing, but other than that it is really not necessary to continually refer to it. I am not Pablo, and I require no build up.
In fact, I think these opening scenes could be cut immensely. It would be easiest to state that when I went to bed, I was at the age of 25, but when I woke up I was half that. It's clear, to the point, and makes my following confusion clear. The excess details the author has added in muddle the point, I think, that I am not normally twelve and that the entire household reacting to me as if this is natural is, well, unnatural. I suppose that's not the clearest way of stating it, but then again I am not an author; I am merely a man of the land who tends to his acres and is, in retrospect, incredibly unprepared for what is about to happen.
In addressing the next scene, I can't help but feel that the reader would find they are less than a thousand words into the story and already there is the familiar reek of a plot hole. Unfortunately, you will probably find there are many such plot holes that need fixing. This particular one I would like to address is that of my knowledge concerning this "scholar" that I am supposed to find. Somehow, I just know about him, apparently, despite the fact that I have never met this person and have no reason to have heard of him or to consider going to him for help. Admittedly, I am a bit stumped as to how to proceed. I suppose I am more apt at pointing out plot holes than fixing them. At any rate, I am sure that you will come up with a satisfactory solution. I look forward to seeing it. I thank you again for your work on our story and I am glad to be working under your expert care.
Signed,
Zayr Enesse A'osut
Dear Editor:
Nice to meet you! I'm Nikado, sometimes known as "the scholar", and I can't wait til you get around to editing my part. I know there's a good load of stuff that needs fixing with this story, but I know you can do it. I'm rooting for you! At any rate, I heard that our little child star Zayr had sent you a letter so I thought I'd write you one too.
You see, as much as I love our story, I definitely think there's a lot of room for improvement. For one thing, there's me. I don't mind telling you this, but I'm pretty awesome. I'm tall and handsome (ladies love the Asian-looking guys!) and I have a great backstory and a wonderful, shining personality, and I can kill people with my bare hands! What's not to love? All the same, I seem to find myself continually shunted off to the side by the author, as if I'm not important. Well, I beg to differ. As the second character introduced, I'm going to be very important in this upcoming story. Yet I just feel like I'm not getting any credit, you know? All the author's writings are about Zayr's serious yet childlike expression, still with a smattering of freckles and his messy strawberry hair and wiry frame just on the edge of puberty and GOD. Seriously! What is she doing, writing for an audience of pedophiles? I'm obviously the one that should get all the great descriptions. Just look at my thick asian hair in its neat little Chinese-style ponytail, and my dark blue eyes (which aren't described as crystalline, but should be!) and my gorgeous olive-toned skin and excellently athletic build, even more stunning for a man of twenty-seven. (I've enclosed a picture so you know I'm not just saying this.) It wouldn't really be so far-fetched as to call me the main character, don't you think?
At any rate, let me address my opening scenes. Yes, I'm a teacher, and it's horribly unglamorous in today's world of wanting secret agents and breakdancers and so on, but this scene just doesn't do me justice. What's with all the bored snotty kids? As anyone who's worked with me knows, I have a wonderful effect on kids that makes them mellow out, so these kids just aren't in character. And they most certainly shouldn't be bored. There's other worlds where I'm known for my unorthodox teaching style. I strive to be interesting and get kids involved and NOT lecture, and what am I stuck with? A lecture! It's just not right, I tell you.
And then when Zayr comes in, all the attention's on him again. I feel like the author's slighting me. Like I should expect some kid to come in and not be a student. C'mon, I'm quite intelligent but I'm no mindreader and it's not like I've been reading the narration or something. I. Don't. Know. Him. So could we tone down the condescending in the narration some?
There's some more I could say, but that's all I remember off the top of my head. I've got to find where I left my copy of the novel. I have a copy with passages highlighted and ready to show! So, thanks again for taking this, ahem, work in progress and making it into a real novel.
Love,
Nikado (the Scholar)
Dear Editor:
I understand my careless words to my co-character have caused him to send a letter to you as well. I apologize if this has unduly burdened you. I also hope that he was not overly, ah, zealous in his attempts to fix the novel. Nikado, as I have quickly discovered, tends to be rather exciteable and prone to wanting to fix, well, everything. It does make me wonder if the author has not switched our roles: I seem to be a serious, responsible adult stuck in the body of a child, whereas Nikado is a fully grown man with the mentality of one who has not moved beyond rocking horses and playing with wooden swords. I do wonder if he is some sort of novelty for the author, as if his appearance here was some sort of allusion or inside joke, as the narration has several lines that seem to imply this is not the first time the author has written for him. It probably shouldn't irk me as much as it does, but all the same given that this novel is not connected with any of the author's other works, I think that they are needless clutter.
Having said that, if you have read over our first interactions, you will soon see what I mean when I said he was highly exciteable. I think that perhaps his, er, enthusiasm for something out of the ordinary is a little overwhelming to the reader, so do you perhaps think it could be toned down a little? I can't help but think that most readers would be immediately annoyed with him due to his childlike and rather arrogant attitude and I don't think this is the author's intention.
While we're on the subject of Nikado, whereas my intro scene was littered with too much detail like a field after a battle, this scene, again, I feel is missing some critical details. I know Nikado loves to talk, so why doesn't the author just let him have at it? Instead of just up and declaring we're off to find some mage for no reason, I think it's important to lay down a few of the important details for now: namely, that he suspects someone is messing with the very reality of our world. I have a feeling Nikado would wax poetic at quite a length on how terrible this subject is, enough to give the reader the proper feeling of seriousness.
I think there is a good bit of explanation owed to me as to exactly who Nikado is as well and why he's referred to as the scholar, some detail which I think could help patch up the plot hole in the first scene, but Nikado would be better able to answer those questions than I. I hope our efforts are helping your work on our novel.
Signed,
Zayr Enesse A'osut
Dear Editor:
So you need to know about who I am some more, huh? Great! I'll be glad to inform you! Let's see, where to start... Oh, I suppose you wanted to know about the whole scholar thing, hm? Not that I can blame you. I mean, it is pretty surprising that a handsome devil like myself who is as deadly as he is handsome would be known for some writing ability, you know? Well, the secret to my "success", ha ha, is this enchanted book. Yeah, the little one I picked up on my way out. It's a nice little thing that can reveal information on, well, just about anything, as long as I know what I'm looking for. I'm still getting the hang of it though, I only got it several years ago or so. And before you start in on me getting some uber-wonderful ancient artifact like Zayr did (and really, where's he get the right to question my belongings, I mean I have a great reason for having it and all) it's neither ancient nor unique. As I explained to him when he looked so surprised, there's like three hundred of them or so floating around our world. So eat that, cliches. :) I wish I could say that there was something else to it, like being known for my surprising intellect, but sadly that's all there is to it, really. I'm "the scholar" cause I have the book.
Okay, so back to talking about this scene. Hm. Actually, after we get past the bored kids who should not be bored (and what's with sneaking out of the room while I'm talking to Zayr? WTF? What is this crazy author trying to imply?) the next scene isn't too bad. It just further hammers in the point that I'm a natural leader, if you see what I mean. I think I took charge of the whole situation pretty well without a moment of panic unlike Zayr in the first scene (then again, he is a twelve year old right now, maybe the body's affecting his brain a bit.) Although, it is a little unfair of him to run off without any preparations and expect me to handle the food and whatnot and be the sensible one as I usually am. But I suppose what with being a kid and all he can't really help it. I'm just complaining about nothing at all, don't mind me :) Have fun editing the scene, and wait til you see what's coming up next--it'll blow your mind.
Love,
Nikado (that cool scholarly dude)
Dear Editor:
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, really I am. This next scene bothers me quite a lot, and it isn't even from what's happening or what's going to happen. It's just the cliche of walking through a dark, foreboding forest before we get to the city where we're supposed to meet this mage. I mean, can't we cross through ordinary plains or farmland or something? Why is it always forest? I feel like the author's stuck us here just to send a plot device our--HOLY FUCK ZOMBIE
--Zayr
Dear Editor:
AHAHAHA. That was awesome. Well, except for the whole trying to eat my traveling companion's head. Not like we've been together that long but I'm sort of attached to him. That and kids get along well with me, as you probably noticed (although I noticed you haven't edited them to start paying attention to me. Oh well, I know it's on your plate.) At any rate, don't worry about the zombie, I can take him. And, uh... can we keep him? :D
Love,
Nikado
Dear Editor:
...Oh, please tell me the author is kidding. This whole scene is ridiculous. Why is Nikado not killing the zombie, especially after it tried to eat my head? Come on, even that man has limits to how much sunshine and rainbows he oozes from his pores. At any rate, please have the author dispose of this zombie quickly. I don't fancy having my head eaten. We are not keeping a zombie.
Signed,
Zayr Enesse A'osut
P. S. Could you please inform Nikado that I am not a child as my appearance suggests? I know he's heard it in our first scene together, but I think he could use a reminder.
Dear Editor:
Um, hello. It's a pleasure to be able to work with you. My name's Tobias Daireth Halius. I'm, um... the zombie. I do appreciate the author including me, really I do. I mean, it's not like zombies are ever portrayed in a positive light and I think it will do the genre some good to have someone capable of holding a reasonable conversation. And it's not like it's even that bad to be a zombie. The author did me the favor of not having my eyes fall out or giving me rotting flesh or anything, although the brain eating is a little bothersome. And it's not like I'm a terribly interesting person like Mr. Nikado or Mr. Zayr, I'm just very glad to finally be in a story.
...okay, so I sort of have issues with the brains eating. I don't want to impose on you or anything, but if you could get the author to write me some sort of happy ending with the zombie-ism reversed, that would be really terrific. If not, it's okay, like I said I'm just glad to be in a story finally instead of wandering around in the backgrounds of various settings.
At any rate, I hope I didn't give Mr. Nikado too much trouble when I, um, tried to eat his head. I'm actually really sorry about that... I've been trying not to eat brains for a while and I guess the starvation kind of got a hold of me. I'm really sorry. Could you pass along my thanks to him? Also, thank Mr. Zayr for going all the way back to town to pick up some boar's heads so I wouldn't try to eat them right away again.
Sincerely, Tobias
Dear Editor:
I'm not really happy with this zombie thing at all. He does seem like a nice young man when he's not actively trying to devour my skull and everything within (and by the way, it is highly abnormal and a little creepy to have teeth that can crack bone. I feel a little sorry for him.) but I really don't approve of this zombie thing one bit. If the author is going to go cliche like the rest of this story has been so far, why are the zombies so radically different from the normal type of zombie, and is this really necessary? The author admits in the narration they're mages who tried to be cool like vampires with the immortal cannibalism thing. Which is utterly ridiculous. I don't care how sheltered those mages are, if they thought eating brains got them women, they have another thing coming to them. I think I would have almost preferred a vampire, given that blood-sucking isn't necessarily fatal. It doesn't really help that I'm toting around my father's sword (since mine was nice enough to vanish when the entire world decided I should be twelve again) and I can't effectively wield a sword at my current stature. If we run into something ELSE trying to eat me, I'm going to be, in the colloquial terms, utterly boned.
Let's just try not to let the author get any more difficult characters to us between now and meeting this famous mage, Pablo whatever his last name was. I don't relish getting my first gray hairs at twelve. Can we just save reality and go home?
Signed,
Zayr Enesse A'osut
Dear Editor:
Oh man! This plot is awesome so far. We're not even that far and already we have a new companion! Tobias seems like a sweet kid, even if he and Zayr aren't hitting it off that well (it's okay, I'll give Zayr a few kicks for you later) and he's one of the cutest little teens I've ever seen. Well, I suppose not everyone can appeal to the Asian fangirls' aestetics like me, so that gorgeous chocolate skin and dark hair are just as well. (Ha, and Zayr says the zombies are vampires in disguise. Aren't vampires pale? As they say in the world of anachronisms: owned!) The red eyes could stand a change, though; I know it's like a zombie thing, but please, red eyes are SO yesterday, and they totally clash. What's wrong with brown? Although while we're at it, the poor kid's a waif. I get the whole not eating thing, but sheesh, let's put some meat on the poor boy's bones! The world has enough overly skinny people, you know?
Okay! Let's go meet this magey guy! I'm totally ready for it!
Love,
Nikado
Dear Editor:
Um... I appreciate Mr. Nikado's efforts, but I'm okay with how I look, really. I don't really mind what color my eyes are. But could you thank him for me? Thank you.
Sincerely,
Tobias
Dear Editor:
Please tell Tobias not to worry about Nikado, as we're not even through the first arc of plot and he's already revealed he has a habit of meddling.
Signed,
Zayr Enesse A'osut
Dear Editor:
Haha, is that a hint of jealousy I detect in Zayr's tone over my concern for our new companion?
Love,
Nikado
Dear Editor:
I apologize for Nikado's endless spamming of your mailbox with his short and pointless letters. I hope my aid with this next scene will ease some of that undue stress.
I admit this next point is a small thing, but... how come this town gets a name and neither my home town nor Nikado's neighboring village have been named yet? Does the author not realize how awkward it is to refer to either of these locations without a decent name? Speaking of decent names, why on earth is a major city in a fantasy setting named "Murrayville"? It sounds like something to come out of a backwater country setting. This further confirms my belief that this novel was written hastily and sloppily under some unreasonable deadline. I'm just hoping this name was some sort of placeholder to be replaced posthaste.
Speaking of ridiculousness... I'll just let Nikado handle the next part, he summarized it much better than I.
Signed,
Zayr Enesse A'osut
Dear Editor:
...the pair of guards are called "The Anorexic/Bulemic Pyromaniac Natchmaking All-Knowing Lesbian Vampires of Doom."
What. The. Fuck.
Also! They're both human! Human men! Human men who are STRAIGHT! Is this a joke? Was the author dared to do this or something? FIX NAO PLZ.
Okay. Now that that's over with, I assume the rather unhappy guy these two not lesbian, not vampire straight male humans are dragging out is our next main character? I'm sort of assuming, this has the smell of plot device all over it.
Love,
Nikado
Dear Editor:
dfsafasfsdg Where. Does he get off calling me a GUY? We run indoor plumbing on this ship, thank you very much! I mean, c'mon, I'm not the most endowed chick in the world (for which I am quite thankful and no that does not need to be edited!) but I do have some fucking hips, for crying out loud.
While we're at it, how come I'm even being hauled out by Lame-o and Lame-o The Second, other than fulfilling the requirements of this pathetic plot device? I'm actually quite good at sneaking around, thanks. They should have never caught me.
Also, that herd of elephants trampling me to death? Really ill-timed. And at least one of those guards should have been trampled with me.
Irritably,
Eris Themalassy
Dear Editor:
Oh my fuck, the author just killed a main character. What are we supposed to do with that?
Also, I'm totally not stopping Tobias from eating her (okay, she's a girl, I stand corrected) brains. Animal heads are hard to get ahold of, and hey, it's not like she'll miss them.
Love,
Nikado
Dear Editor:
Tell that asshole thanks a fucking lot.
Not appreciating having my brains digested,
Eris
Dear Editor:
Oh, thank god she's okay. ...Wait, what?
Love,
Nikado
Dear Editor:
What the hell kind of plot hole is the author trying to pull on us now? I apologize for my abrupt tone, but these blatant plot devices and nonsensical dartings here and there are starting to irritate me.
Signed,
Zayr Enesse A'osut
Dear Editor:
Um, I'm sorry about eating a main character's brains. Please don't axe me from the story. You can edit that part out if you like. I'm really sorry about that. If I'd known she was going to come back to life a few minutes later I would have never done it. Augh. Could you please apologize to her for me?
Sincerely,
Tobias
Dear Editor:
Okay. So she's cursed to die once every hour and then SOMEHOW come back to life. As if this doesn't defy most laws of normal magic. I almost wish we had an elf instead. What's next, SUVs on main street? Fairies that are actually twelve feet tall with fins? If this mage isn't normal, I think I'm going to see if I can smuggle myself into Fellowship of the Ring. Please tell me we're not dragging her along, too, or is she just fodder for Tobias so he doesn't eat us?
Sometimes I really hate having women in a story. Especially when they're just there for the sake of being a character with breasts.
Signed,
Zayr Enesse A'osut
Dear Editor:
Tell your pipsqueak so-called main character he can shove it up his ass. I'm as pissed off as anyone else about being regulated into some sort of token female role, and if you think I'm going to start wearing revealing clothing or start fawning over the main character (who's twelve, that's really gross by the way!) then think again. And then kindly go fuck yourself. Feel free to write me out of this story, I don't want to be here, because this story sucks more than death by black hole.
Ready to kill something,
Eris
Dear Editor:
Hello there. My name's Pablo Zenzizenzizenzic. Sorry about the last name, it sounds kind of nice to say but it's hell on paper. If it helps, just think of it as three 'zenzi's with a c at the end. At any rate, I'm glad you're working on our project. Don't worry about how the narration makes me sound, the Great Descendant of the Most-High Archmage isn't going to bite your head off or anything for editing my sections. In fact, if you could tone down the fanfare and stuff, I'd appreciate that. It actually gets a little old after you've had to deal with it for most of your backstory. I don't really have any other specific complaints other than that, really. Good luck with beating this novel into shape.
--Pablo
Dear Editor:
Hooray, another friend! I like this Pablo already! You know, to be honest, I thought I was going to have some mage issues, what with the whole magic thing and all (and let's face it, the only time we've seen magic used thus far in this story has not exactly been beneficial, eh Zayr?) but he's been remarkably non-magicky this entire time. I approve. Cute kid. He's what, a year or two older than Tobias? I dunno, it's hard to tell, he's a little androgynous. And really normal looking. I was sort of expecting a grand mage's descendant to be a little more unusual looking. You know, with silver eyes or something. Not that he's bad looking or anything!
However... I sort of have my doubts about Eris. I know we have to appeal to a wide audience by having at least one female main character, but... I don't think she's going to do well in a party setting, you know? She doesn't seem like the type to get along well with others, not to mention have any interest in saving the world (like a natural hero like myself does) and... yeah. The fact that she's tried to kill Pablo's dad like twice this evening isn't really helping her get onto the right foot with Pablo, either. Not to mention she could use a little more up top, you know? Everyone likes big breasts.
Love,
Nikado
Dear Editor:
adjklasjdlkajd IF HE MAKES ONE MORE COMMENT ABOUT MY BOOBS I SWEAR I'M GOING TO STAB HIM. WITH MY GODDAMN BOOMERANG.
Still homicidal,
Eris
Dear Editor:
Okay, so Pablo seems normal enough. What's the catch? Also, why do I get the feeling that if we spend the night in this house that it won't be in one piece come the dawn? Oh, that's right, it would be because our author is a master of the extremely obvious plot device. My joy is unending.
Oh, so we're not going to burn down the house, Tobias is just going to try and eat someone. Admittedly I should have caught on when he started putting tacky hats on everyone during the evening conversation, (because our skulls were distracting, he tells us) particularly moreso since Nikado seems to have selective blinders, but still, could the plot devices be any more obvious? Elves. Please. Something that smacks of cliche quest if we're going to be obvious.
Signed,
Zayr Enesse A'osut
Dear Editor:
Okay, I was trying to brush it off before, but what the hell is Zayr's problem with me? He's jealous of me, isn't he? I mean, not that I can blame him. It's obvious the poor guy's been shafted from the get-go, and overall I'm a pretty enviable guy anyway. But there's just been no shortage of the verbal barbs since this quest started. Could you have him chill out a bit? A hero of justice can only deal with so much on top of saving the world, you know.
Love,
Nikado
Dear Editor:
Is it possible to use one of those standby plot holes to put a curse of muteness on Nikado for a few scenes? I like to consider myself a tolerant person, but my god. I think if I stabbed him, he'd bleed sunshine and kittens. I don't think people like this can exist without some pessimistic life force snuffing them out in order to continue existing. I just want some peace without having him talk about how we're all on a quest FOR GREAT JUSTICE and what an adorable kid the zombie is and how it isn't his fault he's a zombie and I really don't care, I just want something a little more normal....
Signed,
Zayr Enesse A'osut
Dear Editor:
Bleeds sunshine and kittens? Was that really called for? If you tell him to bend over, I'll help extract that stick from his ass.
Love,
Nikado
Dear Editor:
Kindly tell Nikado to shove something obstructive into that oversized mouth of his.
Signed,
Zayr Enesse A'osut
Dear Editor:
Him first.
Love,
Nikado
Dear Editor:
asdjkajd MAKE BOTH OF THEM SHUT UP. God. And I thought I was supposed to be the deliberately obnoxious one! I haven't even got room between the brat and the male on PMS!
Would prefer the story to move on now,
Eris
Dear Editor:
Is it supposed to be doing that?
Sincerely,
Tobias
Dear Editor:
Oh, so she admits it? Great. Just so we're clear that I'm traveling with an infant in a man's body, a snotty little girl, some overrated mage, and a goddamned ZOMBIE who wasn't cool enough to be a vampire. I'm not even sure this novel can be scavenged at this point. Who can like any of these characters?
Signed,
Zayr Enesse A'osut
Dear Editor:
Tell the brat to watch it, this "little girl" can kick his sworded ass halfway across the continent without taking a breath.
Ready to do it too,
Eris
Dear Editor:
How did I get dragged into this fight? Okay, so I'm not terribly good at my magic yet, but they don't know that yet. That's totally dragging out of character information in character. Could we please stop this fight, now?
--Pablo
Dear Editor:
Could you please get me the attention of the other characters? I think they should stop fighting long enough to notice THE WHOLE CITY JUST FUCKING VANISHED.
Sincerely,
Tobias
Dear Editor:
...did Tobias just use the word 'fucking'? Even in this sort of situation, doesn't that seem a little out of character? It's so not cute :'(
Love,
Nikado (who is also suffering from a bit of WTF, what with the whole town poofing)
Dear Editor:
Tell me the author did not just poof a major town for no reason. Please tell me we're just imagining that a whole town vanished. I again apologize for you having to deal with this subpar manuscript. At any rate, now that we've quite well and fully noticed the town disappearing, can we cut the panicking scene short now? Thirty pages of screaming about a town vanishing, as traumatic as it may be, gets boring to read after a while.
Signed,
Zayr Enesse A'osut
P. S. How is it that Nikado is the one to come up with our plan of action? Aren't I the main character here?
Dear Editor:
Is it really necessary to make a whole town vanish? Particularly THAT town? I sort of live there and so do my parents. Also, springing sudden vomiting blood on me? I would have appreciated a little warning before going halfway dead. I mean, I know Nikado theorized it as a side effect of my home going nonexistant, but still. It does seem rather poorly explained.
--Pablo
Dear Editor:
Well, I see the fuckup fairy has visited us again. I think I need to complain about the town poofing as well. Does that mean that shit-eating bastard's like dead? Because I'm supposed to kill him after he put that nice curse on me. Oh, goddamnit, gotta cut this letter short, another death's coming. I think this time it's localized landslide. How creative. I hate this book.
Hastily signed,
Eris
Dear Editor:
Here's something I don't understand. The author has written me in the beginning as a rather intelligent person. And yet, somehow right now, in order to try and rescue the reader from the inevitable confusion that is resulting from this poorly written mess (hell, at times I'm not sure what's going on) the author somehow feels that I am the most suited for delivering a captivating statement of the audience in short sentences. Just look at this passage:
"So, let me get this straight," Zayr commented sourly as they walked. "Reality warping has messed up my entire life. I find you. You befriend a zombie--"
"You know, you don't have to talk about me like I'm not here," Tobias said quietly, sounding a little hurt.
"--we find your mage and pick up a follower," the blonde continued irritably, "oh, except your zombie tries to eat our hosts. Which would be bad, except the hosts and the entire town vanish."
"Fuck you," came a call from ahead where Eris was checking the trail.
"And now we're heading to a nearby town because god knows we can't stay here. But we're really no closer to finding out what the hell is going on that before, despite your great scholarly knowledge and his godlike magic abilities." Zayr crossed his arms disgustedly.
Nikado frowned around Pablo, who he was carrying. "I know we woke you up, but sheesh. Are you always this negative? Have some consideration for your traveling companions."
I think this whole passage is highly biased against me. I know I do not complain that much, nor am I such a negative person to the other characters. I understand the author wants some way of summarizing so far, but this is a rather uncharacteristic way of going about it. If you could, please also caution the author about sticking to her characterizations in the future.
Signed,
Zayr Enesse A'osut
Dear Editor:
I don't have any problems with this passage taking us to the next town. It works for the purposes of moving the story (it doesn't help that as usual, my supportive and ingenius leadership are present) and more importantly, it isn't out of character like Zayr seems to think. Rather, I think it's so in character that it reminds our 'main character' that he is not as perfect as he seems to think.
Love,
Nikado
Dear Editor:
Wanna talk about out of character? How about Mr. Sunshine actually being serious?
Snickering at the irony,
Eris
Dear Editor:
....
I know there's not exactly any way to enter it into the story, but could you let Miss Themalassy know that yes, I can be serious when Bad Shit happens and that my angst could send her self-pity skittering for cover? Those faded brownish stains on my book aren't paint. At any rate, this isn't the time for her to pick a fight with me or anyone.
Love,
Nikado
Dear Editor:
Can we just end this scene already? I think everyone will be a little more pleasant to deal with once we've had some rest.
Sincerely,
Tobias
