The untitled story
Written by Cristipotter, MSTed by The Grand Cousin Duo and voices

Riikii: Hey, Kris. You got any spare eyes?
Kris: ...any spare...eyes?
Riikii: Yeah, I checked out the Harry Potter section of FFnet. My GOD, the mpreg!
Kris: M...what?
Sai: Trust me, you're better off not knowing. The pain of my lower intestine!
Riikii: It's the rectal womb!
Kris: You are so fucking...weird.
Riikii: Hey, my gay buttsex is strictly no-pregnancy, thank you.
Sai: Always nice to know.
Kris: Can we get started? The sooner this begins, the sooner the pain ends.
Ki-chan: Oh, the pain never ends. Welcome to the Harry Potter fandom.


Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting in the Hogwarts express,

Riikii: The wizarding school for twenty items or less.
Kris: Cash only plz.
Ki-chan: ...did you just say 'plz'?
Kris: Riikii's got the keyboard!

returning to the witchcraft and wizardry school. Hermione was reading

Kris: There's a shock.
Ki-chan: At least she's in-character.
Talpa-chan: And dressed.
Riikii: ...and what did that have to do with anything?
Talpa-chan: I gotta stay in character too, you know.

the Daily Prophet, and Ron and Harry were playing wizard chess.

Sai: Followed by a nice engaging round of wizard twister.
Kris: Do they have wizard Monopoly?

“Oh, aren’t you tired?”

Talpa-chan: Well, given the number of slash fics before this one...yes!
Kris: Haha....ew.
Riikii: This is no place for fear of teh gay, Kris. They'll eat you alive.
Kris: I know. I've been to adultfanfiction.net.

said Hermione putting the Prophet down “You’ve been playing that since you got on

Kris: Hahaha!

the train”

Kris: ...oh.
Talpa-chan: Fooled you, didn't they.
Sai: *Poser Mobile* You wanna come ride the pay train, dude? Woo woo!

“Jaque mate!”

Riikii: Insert pathetic oceanography joke here.
Ki-chan: Well, either he meant 'checkmate', or Ron is suddenly an Australian hailing a French man.
Riikii: Do Australians have red hair?

said Ron grinning “sorry man”

Sai: *as Ron* I just don't swing that way,
Kris: *points up* I have whole sites that say otherwise!

“Don’t worry” said Harry,

Kris: Well, they've all officially got speaking parts now.
Riikii: Yezzz, don' worry. Peelow for yuuuu?
Kris: *dies*
Riikii: Shit, not again. Someone call the morgue.
Kris: *revives* What the HELL is WRONG with you?
Riikii: Damn, false alarm. Quick, hide the organ collection boxes, everyone.
Kris: I keell you.
Sai: Now who's weird?
Kris: Still her.

he stood up and sat beside Hermione

Ki-chan: Wow, that's a trick, sitting standing up.

“something important?” he said, looking at the paper in her lap.

Ki-chan: Nah, just some idiot americans electing another dumb president.
Sai: Nah, just some slashers putting you and Snape together.
Riikii/Kris: Nah, just OUR BRAINS EXPLODING....

“No, not really” she said looking at the paper too “there’s something about the Bulgarian Quidditch team, but that’s it”

Kris: Yes, that's it, right outside the window. Damn, there it goes.

“Let me see that!” said Ron, snatching the paper out of Hermione’s hands.

Kris: Should've been watching, that Snitch is pretty fast.

“Who do you reckon is going to be our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher?” asked Hermione.

Riikii: Steve Irwin.
Sai: Crikey!

“Maybe Dumbledore himself, you know, I don’t think–”

Kris: Well that's kind of obvious.
Riikii: *pats Kris on the back* Welcome to the Harry Potter fandom! Thinking optional!

“Look Hermione!” Ron interrupted Harry

Riikii: He was half an inch away from RAMMING the guy in front of him!
Sai: Wha?
Riikii: Some inside jokes are not meant to be comprehended.
Kris: But I get it!

“your dear Vicky Krum

Riikii: Viktor's evil twin.
Sai: A female evil twin?
Riikii: Well, aren't they all?

is going to leave the team for a few months, reasons unknown!” he said with an evil grin in his face,

Ki-chan: That's gotta smart,
Sai: Nothing could do that.

giving the paper to Hermione.

“I know” said Hermione, not even looking at the paper “he’s coming to England”

Riikii: We got the lions Harrys, only in Kenya England....

“He what?”

Talpa-chan: *clears throat, repeats line much louder*

said Ron, his grin disappeared.

Riikii: Well, there's a relief. Now you two can stop debating about whether it smarted or stupided.
Sai/Ki-chan: Awww.

“He’s coming to England” repeated Hermione calmly

Riikii: Haha, we're faster! I SO WIN TEH INTERNET!

“he has some work to do here, then he’s going to stop by Hogwarts,

Riikii: In some places, Hogwarts is a type of cooties.
Kris: Should've made it an STD.

and then he’s returning to Bulgaria, with his team”

Ron said anything, his eyes wide, looking at Hermione.

Riikii: This is the interactive part of the fic! Fill in your own dialogue!
Sai: Kind of like a mad lib, but with more gratuitous pedophilia.

She had a calmed face,

Ki-chan: Of the last person that asked her to repeat herself, sitting quietly in her suitcase.
Riikii: That's so creepy.
Talpa-chan: Yeah, I'm starting to grow on her.
Ki-chan: *stabs him in the face*
Talpa-chan: Augh! Eyes! I NEED those!

looking back at Ron.

“You’ve been writing to him in the summer?” said Harry, breaking the silence.

Kris: See that question mark? It implies ASKING.
Riikii: Their thesaurus ran off after the repeated abuse. So now they're stuck without vocabulary.
Sai: Humping your thesaurus is like ma--
Riikii: You know what, don't even complete that thought.

“Oh yeah” said Hermione turning to face Harry by her side

Kris: I'll never let go, Jack Hermione!

“yeah, I’ve done it since he went back to Bulgaria, after the tournament”

Kris: *hentai laugh* I KNEW IT!
Talpa-chan: Wow. Says volumes about her stamina.
Riikii: Okay, both of you are no longer allowed to talk.

she stood up, and walk through the cabin door, disappearing

Kris: Poof!

through the others Hogwarts students in the hall.

When she left, Ron looked at Harry.

Riikii: Because there was nothing else to look at.

“Can you believe that?” he said, shocked.

Kris: Zap!

“What?” Harry said.

Kris: ASKING. Do you UNDERSTAND? The punctuation train passed you by!
Sai: You wanna come ride the pay train?
Riikii: Okay, the cast of Harry Potter is now being issued hearing aids. Damn, people.

“That she’s been writing to Krum in the summer!”

Riikii: COLOR ME SURPRISED~

“Er…” said Harry, looking at his shoes,

Kris: They were pretty, with little blue stars on the sides.

then looking back at Ron he said “yeah. I mean, he’s her pen pal, isn’t he?”

“Yes, but…” said Ron “he’s coming to England!”

“So?”

Riikii: International travel? What ARE you talking about?
Sai: Anyone who travels to another country must be a terrorist!
Ki-chan: SHOOT HIM!

said Harry, understanding a little what was happening.

“Why is he coming?”

Talpa-chan: Well, it starts with the hand in the pants....
Riikii: You would know!

“Because, he has some work to do” said Harry “Hermione said so”

Riikii: Naturally, we believe every word Hermione says.
Kris: Just like we believe Rita Skeeter.

“And he is coming to Hogwarts!” said Ron, eyes wide again.

Kris: HELLO CAPTAIN REPETITION. PAGING CAPTAIN REPETITION.
Sai: *as Ron* Why, yes, I AM a master of the previously stated!

“Ron, calm down. Maybe he’s just coming to say hello to Hermione, that’s all”

Riikii: I think he's telling the truth. This is only a K-rated fic.
Talpa-chan/Kris: Awwww.

“But I –”

“Love

Kris: Cake!
Riikii: Harry!
Ki-chan: Ginny!
Sai: Snape!
Talpa-chan: *as Ron* Myself, in the bathroom, at night when no one else is awake!
All: ...ew.

Hermione”

Riikii: Damn, we lose. Money goes into the pot for the next round.

a girl’s voice interrupted Ron. It was Ginny;

Sai: With her best friend, Tonicy!

she was standing at the door, already in her school robes. Her long hair was flaming red, just like Ron’s.

Riikii: They're on fire?
Ki-chan: Works for me!
Kris: Well, put them out! What kind of wizards are you?

She entered the cabin and sat beside Harry.

Kris: Ron's beside him, Hermione was beside him, now Ginny's beside him...What is he? A square?

“Shut up, Ginny!” said Ron “I don’t love

Kris: Cake!
Riikii: Harry!
Ki-chan: Ginny!
Sai: Snape!
Talpa-chan: Mysel-- *is stabbed in the face again* Noooo, my sinuses!

Hermione!”

Riikii: Damn, we lose again!
Kris: You'd think we would've seen that one coming.

“That’s what you told me yesterday at the Burrow” she said.

Kris: When we were in bed together!
Riikii: Y HALO THAR INCEST

“Liar! I’ve never told you that!” he said, his ears turning red.

Riikii: The flames have spread.

“Well…” said Ginny, grinning “maybe you said so when you fell asleep on the couch”

Talpa-chan: Well, we can guess what kind of dream that was....

“I was talking in my sleep?” said Ron, leaning forward.

Sai: Captain Repetition saves the day again!
Riikii: Faster than a statement of the obvious!
Kris: Does he have a cape? Like Superman?

“Well, you do it almost always, but this time the thing was interesting”

Sai: It's clobberin' time!

she said, making an effort for not to laugh “so, we sat and listened”

Riikii: Braintap! Braintap!
Kris: Briantap? Is that like a spinal tap?
Riikii: No, like a wire tap. Except not.

“We?” said Ron, desperately “who is we?”

Riikii: Just us and the many loyal viewers of our webcast.

“Er… me, Fred and George” said Ginny, bursting into laugh.

Ki-chan: Revenge for the grin that was implanted in Ron's face.

“Well…” said Ron, his ears redder than ever

Riikii: Still? God, haven't you put him out yet?
Ki-chan: You'd think someone would notice, with the smoke and the flames and the third-degree burns and the pain....
Kris: And the burning flesh smell. I hate that smell.

“I don’t care, because I wasn’t saying anything about Hermione”

Riikii: This is boring. I vote now we throw in all our old inside jokes.
Ki-chan: Enters a frog with no legs!
Sai: Fondling pandas!
Kris: JUDY!

“Oh yeah?” said Ginny, her face extremely happy “so what was all this about?”

Riikii: We've been trying to figure that out for a while now.

she lied in the sits of the cabin,

Sai: These words, I do not think it means what she thinks it means.
Riikii: What you say?
Kris: All your base...are neutralized by acid!
Riikii: YAY SALT

closed her eyes, and imitating Ron she said “Oh,

Kris: Cake!
Riikii: Harry!
Ki-chan: Ginny!
Sai: Snape!
Talpa-chan: >_> Hermione!

Hermione!

Talpa-chan: I win!
Kris: Damn...I wanted to be smart and say Hermione, but no, I got stuck with cake!
Riikii: Well, we can't all be smart and say Hermione.
Kris: Especially not with you at the keyboard, Riikii.

I’ve waited too long to tell you this! I love you!” Harry started to laugh, but Ron’s ears were even redder

Riikii: *does the poor boy a favor and sprays him with extinguisher*

“I love you, I love you, I love you! I’ve love you since –”

Riikii: Love? Surely she means loved, with an Earth D.
Sai: No, clearly it says 'love'.
Riikii: THIS CONCEPT OF GRAMMAR CONFUSES AND INFURIATES US

“What are you doing?” said Hermione suddenly.

Talpa-chan: Making out, what else?
Sai: You are in the Harry Potter fandom, after all.

She was standing in the door, looking at Ginny, already in her school robes.

Sai: Captain Repetition! Your services are required!

“Oh…” said Ginny, abandoning her Ron-while-sleeping position

Riikii: *taking a moment to explain fic logic to Kris*

and sitting “Oh, I was –”

Talpa-chan: Making out, what else?
Sai: You are in the Harry Po-- *is stabbed*

“Confessing her love to Harry, of course” said Ron, an evil grin on his face.

Riikii: The grins have returned for their vengeance!
Peasants: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

Ginny’s ears got red, as Ron’s usually do.

Riikii: Right, I almost forgot that she was still on fire.
Kris: How can you just forget these things? Burned flesh smell! Augh!

She looked at Harry, who could not stand but blushing,

Ki-chan: Okay, what?
Riikii: IN AD 2101 WAR WAS BEGINNING
Kris: It all started when the orange slayed the rake...
Sai: I didn't see it.

and then she glared at Ron.

“Oh, no. I was showing these guys how Ron will confess his feelings for you, Hermione” she said, smiling.

Riikii: My god, it's like a bad soap opera.
Sai: Or a bad fanfiction.
Riikii: Well. Duh.

Everybody in the cabin was blushed,

Ki-chan: What are they, Bratz dolls?

especially the Weasleys, who were experts for that.

Ki-chan: ...the Weasleys are Bratz dolls? Aaaaah!

There was a long, awkward silence, which felt that lasted an eternity.

Riikii: KIND OF LIKE THIS FIC.
Posse: *nods in agreement*

“Ejem” said a woman’s voice

Sai: Sorry, he's in the car next door.

“want anything from the trolley?”

Riikii: Like a PEELLOW?
Posse: *stare*

Hermione, which was standing by the door,

Sai: There'd be a comment about bad grammar here, but the cousins are currently engaged in friendly familial spankings.
Riikii/Kris: *stab* WE KEELL YOU

turned around, and saw the lady from the food trolley.

Kris: Did anybody else notice all that comma abuse?

“I will take the chocolate frogs” said Harry, taking out two galleons from his jeans pockets

Ki-chan: Wow, small galleons.
Sai: Yeah, he was saving the battleship for Hogsmeade.

and giving them to the lady.

The rest of the trip went quiet enjoyable. They kept eating chocolate frogs, and trading chocolate frog cards. The awkward moments were forgotten, and they kept chatting all the way to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Riikii: Dungeons and Dragons.

Later, when they finally arrived,

Riikii: We stabbed them for taking so damn long.
Sai: Yes, that is so like you.
Riikii: Go back to being dead.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat together in the Great Hall. Ginny sat with some Gryffindors from her year.

Riikii: Shock and amazement.

“I’m starving!” moaned Ron,

Riikii: I CRAVE BABY SEALS
Sai: ... What?
Riikii: It's not me! You see, there was this page and it had this weird black thing and it hit the guy...no, wait, it hit the girl first and she was all "BABY SEALS" and THEN it hit the guy and he was all "I WANT DARKNESS...and my mommy" and then--
Ki-chan: Okay, stop.
Kris: Wow. Just...wow.

looking at the staff table,

Riikii: How does that work? It's a staff, but it's a table?
Kris: Better than a staph infection!
Talpa-chan: It's phallic-shaped!
Kris: Bet guys hate it when they get a staff infection....

were Professor Dumbledore was chatting with Professor Sprout

Riikii: With his cousins Leaf and Twig and Root...
Kris: ...and Small Budding Plant and Earthworm and...
Sai: It's totally like two bodies, one brain.
Riikii: Yes, but it's an extra-large brain so we never run out of room!

by his side.

“You’ll have to wait Ron”

Ki-chan: I'd rather cashier him.
Kris: What about bagboy? Can we bagboy him?
Riikii: I'd bagboy him any day of the week!
Kris: But you're a lesbian. He has the sacred untouchable penz0rz.
Ki-chan: *while calling the FBI* Isn't that 'penis'?
Riikii: Yes, but penz0rz has such a nice ring to it.
Kris: You don't want your penz0rz to have a ring to it! I bet that hurts worse than a staff infection!

said Hermione, looking at the entrance of the Great Hall, were Professor McGonagall walked in, followed by a bunch of first years

Riikii: Ooh, freshmeat.

“the sorting feast is going to start”

Riikii: Yes. Yes, it is. PASS THE FORKS~
Kris: *quietly curses Riikii with a staff infection of her e-penz0rz*
Riikii: AUGH MY E-PENZ0RZ

As always, after the sorting of the first years into Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Slytherin and Hufflepuff,

Riikii: Equal portions for all!
Talpa-chan: It's not fair, the Slytherins got all the best parts.
Kris: *adds a ring to the staff infection*

Dumbledore gave the speech he always does,

Kris: Except for the year where he dropped his notecards into the Goblet of Fire and they BURST INTO FLAMES!
Riikii: Or the year he dropped them into Snape's winecup....
Sai: We don't talk about that year.
Riikii: OMG CENSORING

and the food suddenly appeared in the four long house tables.

Riikii/Kris: ....
Sai: Stop wasting time trying to come up with a joke about suddenly-appearing food.
Riikii: But there's so much potential right there! I can't ignore that!

“Finally!” said Ron, grabbing a plate and serving himself

Kris: Why, how nice of him. I do fancy a bit of well-done Ron with vegetable medley.
Riikii: Eh, the upperclassmen are well seasoned, but the first years are just so plump....
Talpa-chan: Wow, you guys are going to hell yet again, and I'm not even involved in this one!

food.

“Harry!” said Hermione, who was sitting beside him

Kris: Yet again, Harry the Square. It could be the title of the seventh book!

“you were so worried about food, that you didn’t notice that Dumbledore

Riikii: Is doing a striptease.
Sai: AAAAH!
Kris: Naked time! La la la la~
Riikii/Kris: *botherbotherbotherbother*
Sai: *stops moving*

didn’t say anything about our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!”

Sai: I'm sorry, what about Steve Irwin?
Riikii: Not now, I'm being abused with a guinea pig. Help, help!

“But, I wasn’t…” he said, he didn’t know what to say, because it was true that he didn’t notice that Dumbledore didn’t say anything about a new teacher

Riikii: Here he comes, to save you in case you weren't paying attention, CAPTIAN REPETITION~
Sai: How come he gets a theme song? I want a theme song!
Ki-chan: *shrug* He's short and annoying, and not very funny, and in his fandom he's paired with--
Sai: I TAKE IT BACK

“so what do you think that means?”

Riikii: Obviously, Sai is very repressed when it comes to his rectal womb.
Sai: ... AUGH SKLASJDAHSFL
Riikii: Do you mind, this is a new keyboard, you know!

“I don’t know” she said, putting food into her plate.

Riikii: Hungry plate.
Ki-chan: Hey, plates need love, too.
Riikii: ...great, Ki-chan, you've just come up with the next Harry Potter fad. Hermione/plate OTP! omgtheirluvissoflatandcircular

Ron was too concentrated

Talpa-chan: Quick, add water!
Kris: And shake at room temperature!

in eating

Kris: Bad grammar! The panda says no!
Riikii: >> *fondles*
Kris: I said the panda says NO!

to notice their conversation.

Riikii: Could be worse, there's coffee in my spit cup!
Posse: ...Wha?
Kris: Well, don't drink it.
Sai: We should know better than to let them MST when Riikii's parents are around...
Riikii: Want a PEELLOW?
Kris: *smacks her with guinea pig*

“Maybe they won’t teach us that subject anymore” said Harry, pouring pumpkin juice in his goblet.

Riikii: Yeah, I mean, nobody uses that subject anymore. It's not like there's anything dark to defend from. ...Only slightly shadowy.
Kris: Misty in one corner of the room! Til the sun came out and BURNED IT OFF~

“Don’t be stupid Harry”

Ki-chan: *Eastern European accent* You are stuuuuupid.
Riikii: *same* DEDE! GET OUT OF MY LABORTORY!
Kris: Ooh, what does THIS button do? *something explodes* ...Oops.
Riikii: Don't worry, that was only Mississippi. No one will miss it.

Hermione said “I don’t think Dumbledore would want us to stop learning Defense Against the Dark Arts, you know, it is what we ought to learn!”

Riikii: As opposed to, you know, things you might use in every day life.
Sai: Hey, I don't know about you, but I get up in the morning, brush my teeth, and smite a few Death Eaters. Doesn't everyone?

“Yeah, sorry” said Harry, regretting he made such a stupid suggestion “so what do you think is really up?”

Riikii: The sky.
Kris: And ceiling.
Ki-chan: Didn't that joke get old by fourth grade?

“Well, I don’t know” said Hermione,

Ki-chan: Fine, fifth grade then.

looking at the staff table, were Dumbledore and the other teachers were enjoying their dinner

Riikii: Cannibalism, necrophilia, or just plain pedophilia? YOU DECIDE~
Sai: TEXT MESSAGE US YOUR VOTES NOW~

“maybe we should wait.

Sai: NO DO IT NOW onlycostsninetyninecentspermessage DO IT NOW

Any of the teachers seem to be preoccupied about it”

Riikii: As well they should, this is WAY more important than deciding the next American Idol.
Kris: Hand me the Big L stamp, I'm going in!

Harry, Ron and Hermione enjoyed the rest of the dinner.

Riikii: But is it REALLY statutory if they're both undera-- *stabbed*

When the desserts arrived,

Kris: I'd like the young naked Asian girl covered in peach slices....
Sai/Riikii: OMG HAWT
Ki-chan: I didn't know you were a lesbian. Must run in the family.
Kris: It was a jo...aw, forget it. *stab*

Harry put a sliver of apple pie in his plate.

Kris: *as plate* Ooh, it's hawt!
Riikii: >> *puts some teh_gay in her drink*
Ki-chan: *says nothing*

He looked around at the other house tables. All the students seemed to be enjoying,

Talpa-chan: Each other!
Riikii: ....
Talpa-chan: How come it's only wrong if I say it?!
Riikii: Because you don't have breasts.

they were all chatting gleefully, laughing and eating.

Riikii: In Soviet Russia, SENSE MAKES YOU.
Kris: *sprays fic with Febreze* I CANNOT STAND THE SCENT OF STAGNATION AND DISEASE

He looked at the Slytherin table; Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle were whispering something,

Riikii: WORDS OF LOVE, SO SOFT AND TENDER WON'T WIN A GOYLE'S HEART ANYMORE haha i so punny
Kris: ...oy.

but he didn’t care. He looked at the Ravenclaw table, Cho Chang, Harry’s secret crush,

Riikii: As opposed to his completely obvious crush, which is the block of concrete over his head.
Kris: Not so secret, really, given that EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT IT.

was chatting with all her +-6giggling friends.
0

Sai: What's with the random calculator factor?
Riikii: She started it!
Kris: SHE started it!

A little far from Cho,

Kris: How can you be a little far?
Riikii: *looks around monitor* Sheee's waaaatching uuuuus....
Mom: *stare*
Sai: But for all the screaming, maybe she wouldn't.

he saw Luna Lovegood, she looked as dreamy as always, with her big, protuberant, blue eyes.

Ki-chan: You know, I don't know what the hell they just said about her eyes, but it didn't sound like a compliment.
Kris: If it's an infection, I don't want it.
Sai: Yeah, people generally don't want those.

Her blond hair was as messy as always, and she was wearing two giant, orange balls

Kris/Talpa-chan: *snicker*
Sai: And he's got big balls, and she's got big balls, but WE'VE GOT THE BIGGEST BALLS OF THEM ALL
Riikii: It's a CAPSLOCK moment.

as earrings, but Harry didn’t care, because he had developed a special likeness toward her.

Riikii: Okay, what the hell. That is totally retarded sounding. I mean, if the Righteous Brothers wrote "When A Man Develops A Special Likeness For A Woman," nobody'd listen.
Kris: Or have the faintest idea what the hell it was about.
Ki-chan: Not to mention all the syllables ruin the flow.

Luna was talking to a girl Harry had never seen before in his whole life. When he looked at her, his stomach gave a jolt

Riikii: SUE POWERS ACTIVATE
Sai: BY YOUR POWERS COMBINED~ I AM SELF-INSERT~
Riikii: ...I liked Captain Repetition better.
Ki-chan: Yeah, he had a cooler theme song.

–like the ones when he looks at Cho –but he didn’t know why.

Kris: Ugh, are we trying to hook up Harry with Luna? C'mon.
Riikii: Actually, I think this is the Sue.

The girl had big

Sai: Balls, but WE'VE GOT THE BIGGE-- *is shot*
Kris: Not what I was thinking of, but okay!

black eyes, beautiful eyes; her hair was black, the darkest black he had ever seen, and it was slightly curled, and long. Her skin was very white.

Riikii: I swear, black chicks don't write sues, just bored white chicks with no sense of reality.

When Harry looked at her, he felt something odd about her.

Sai: Fondling with the eyes!
Kris: And he's got big balls....
Talpa-chan: Wow. I think I was in a porno like this once.
Kris: YOU were in a porno like this once? THE BURNING IN MY RETINAS

There was something different about her, but Harry didn’t know what it was.

Riikii: This totally calls for a Miss Mann joke.

And he thought it was strange that he had never seen her before at Hogwarts.

Sai: *as Harry, snaps fingers* THAT'S where my invisible cloak went!

“Hermione?” said Harry, turning to her “you have read Hogwarts, A History a lot of times, right?”

Ki-chan: She didn't just read it, she WROTE it!
Riikii: Really?
Ki-chan: *fwap* That's for being a loser.
Riikii: ;_; *sits in the Corner O' Angst*

“Right it is”

Kris: Right it is, right it was, right it shall be...however, this is not grammatically correct *stamp* THE PANDA SAYS NO
Riikii: You'd think after all those books, she'd have SOME idea of grammar, no?
Sai: Yeah, really!

said Hermione, matter of factly, and a little proud.

Ki-chan: Proud of her inability to speak English? And the British snobs claim they're smarter than us.
Riikii: Well, they HAVE to be smarter than some Americans...I mean, I've seen some pretty dumb ones. We're talking beef jerky has a higher IQ.
Sai: Yeah, most of them work in entertainment.

“Well, can anyone enter the school without being in first year?” he asked.

“Well, yeah” said Hermione “but the person has to be at Hogwarts

Riikii: COOTIES!
Sai: ...wha?
Riikii: <_< It is better that you do not know.
Kris: ....Riiiiight.

standards or higher, and his or her sorting, is made in private, days before the sorting feast.

Riikii: Why does that sound like a big bunch of bullshit to me?
Kris: Cause it IS? Seriously, J.K. Rowling? Needs to be busting out some Book 6-sized smackdowns.

Why?”

Kris: I ask myself that question every time I look at this fanfic....

“Well, you see that girl that is talking to Luna Lovegood?” said Harry.

Hermione raised her head,

Riikii: With a lot of rope and a pulley!
Kris: See, I was going to say 'from its place between Ron's legs'....

and started looking at the two girls in the Ravenclaw table.

Riikii/Kris: IN the ravenclaw table?
Kris: SPLINTERS IN BAD PLACES

“Yeah” said Hermione, with a little surprised voice

Sai: As opposed to a large but completely unaffected voice.

“I have never seen her before”

Riikii: You have now.
Kris: Surprise!

she kept staring at her “looks a little…odd”

Kris: Touched by the hand of God!
Riikii: Inappropriately.
Sai: OMG DIVINE MOLESTATION

Hermione too was feeling what Harry had felt,

Kris: Wow. Ron gets more play than they let on.

but in a girls’ way;

Riikii: YAY LESBIAN SEXX0RZ

she thought there was something that wasn’t normal about her, but did not know what it was.

Riikii: Because in this, she really doesn't know much at all.
Ki-chan: Man, fanfic can make anyone stupid.
Kris: Not just the Mary Sue ones?
Riikii: No, it doesn't take a Mary Sue to have a sucky fic. ...don't ask me how I know this. >_>;;

“Vat girl?”

Sai: I am...Dracula. I bid you...velcome!

said suddenly Ron,

Kris: Sounds like he should have a theme song. Suddenly Ron! ...Sounds like a bad sitcom.

with his mouth full of

Riikii: THE BLOOD OF MANY VIRGIN GIRLS
Ki-chan: Cock!

pudding.

“Over there, at the Ravenclaw table”

Riikii: At least they're no longer in it.
Kris: Still, splinters.

said Harry “sitting with Luna Lovegood”

“Sitting with Loony?” said Ron, grinning.

Riikii: Wow, that was lame.
Kris: *on the hotline for Captain Repetition*

“It’s Luna, Ron” said Harry.

Kris: Yes, we've ESTABLISHED that. *is programming Captain Repetition into her phone's speed dial*

He always felt pity for her, and he liked her a lot.

Riikii: Yes, we know all about the developing special likenesses.
Kris: Everybody sing! WHEN A MAN DEVELOPS A SPECIAL LIKENESS FOR A WOMAN

Ron raised his head

Ki-chan: See? Told you it was cock.
Kris: Told you Ron gets a lot of play.

and looked at the girls. His jaw dropped, his eyes widened.

Sai: *as Ron* Oh my god! I'm sucking on a man's cock! Does that make me gay?
Kris: ...yes, yes it does.

“Who is she?” he said slowly in a low voice, without taking his eyes of her.

Riikii: What?
Sai: THIS CONCEPT OF GRAMMAR CONFUSES AND INFURIATES US
Kris: *beats fic with L stamp*

“We don’t know, Ronald!”

Nico: McDonald!
Riikii: AHH SCARY PEDOPHILE CLOWN
Kris: Clowns. Ugh. *shudder*

said Hermione, pulling Ron from the robes

Riikii: YAY FULL FRONTAL NUDITY
Kris: See? Head in lap! Ron getting play!

and putting him back on his seat

Kris: He left it?
Ki-chan: Besides the gay blowjob moment?
Riikii: No, you can do that from your seat.

“we think she’s a new student”

“They accept new students who aren’t in first year?”

Riikii: My GOD, where have you BEEN for the last six paragraphs?!
Ki-chan: Besides having fat cock in your mouth?
Kris: *paging Captain Repetition!!*

said Ron, trying to look at her again.

“If someday you read

Kris: Like clearly, the author of this fic has never done. *chucks box set of Harry Potter at author*

Hogwarts, A History” said Hermione, glaring at Ron “you’ll find out”

“Oh, so I will never find out”

Ki-chan: Too busy sucking cock.
Kris: So much sperm, so little time. Clearly, too much sperm destroys brain cells.
Riikii: YAY FOR THE LESBIAN SEXX0RZ

snapped Ron,

Ki-chan: Eh, not as bad as the time Ron snaped.
Kris: *...bother?*

trying to get a better view of Luna’s friend.

In the rest of dinner,

Riikii: We all live in a rabid wolverine, a rabid wolverine....
Kris: Wow. Just wow.
Riikii: I'm making sure the bottom side of John Lenon gets some air. Turn, baby, turn!

Ron kept trying to look at the strange girl in the Ravenclaw table,

Kris: And Captain Repetition arrives to valiantly beat Ron over the head with his Obvious Stick!
Riikii: Oh, she's back inside the table.
Kris: SPLINTERS! Does no one think about SPLINTERS!

not caring all the nasty looks he was receiving by Hermione.

Kris: Well, she's trying to suck his cock and he keeps moving around!
Talpa-chan: I feel so left out. All these cock jokes, and I haven't made a single one.
Riikii: *hands him a rooster* Here you go.

Harry from time to time, tried to get a little glimpse of her, but he didn’t want to look like Ron.

Ki-chan: Can't blame him. Red hair isn't for everyone.
Riikii: Not to mention the flammability.

Harry looked around at the Great Hall,

Riikii: And the Great Hall looked back.
Kris: *as Hall* Whatchu lookin' at, boooy?!

and noticed that Ron wasn’t the only one who was looking at the new girl; a lot of boys from the four tables were giving quick looks at the Ravenclaw’s, and some girls were looking at her too.

Riikii: Love how the only one not noticing all this looking is the girl.
Kris: Ever get the feeling you were being...watched?
Riikii: Yeah, about the same time I feel like I'm being clocked.
Kris: I'll give you a clock. *whaps Riikii over the head*
Sai: I think that's more of a clonk.
Kris: *CLONKS Sai over the head*

Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown were whispering something about how a strange sensation she made them feel.

Sai: In their PANTS!
Riikii: I take it back, this fic is great. I have never seen a Harry Potter fic with so much underaged lesbian sexx0rz.
Kris: Obviously, you haven't been to the same websites I have.

“Yeah, is like if you were looking at a strange creature”

Riikii/Kris: House elf!

said Parvati “but she’s just a girl!”

Riikii/Kris: A female house elf! Wears pink socks!

“Her hair is wonderful, though” said Lavender “I have never seen something so dark”

Kris: Except maybe night.
Riikii: Or the black, black tears of an angsty goth.
Nico: Or the darkness that dwells in my SOUL!
Sai: ... *scoots away*
Riikii: I hope you told Duo about that little problem, Nico.
Nico: Oh, he's cool with it. He thinks it's kinky.


Kris: We're done? Seriously, we're done? You're not just messing with me?
Riikii: Either that or the rest of the chapter decided its life was empty and meaningless, and cut its wrists while in the bathtub.
Kris: Remember, down the road, not across the street!
Sai: And if you're ever in trouble from people that aren't paying attention, just call for Captain Repetition!
Ki-chan: If you're a twelve year old girl, and you're high on marijuana, don't ride your bike.
Nico: And some days, there just aren't enough spoons.
Riikii: And finally, remember that alligators are not your friends!
All: And knowing is HALF THE BATTLE!

Site layout copyright me. I make no claim to the fics posted here (x_x) they remain the property of their owners. And parody falls under fair use, hoars :o Images from the manga Saint Tail by Megumi Tachikawa. Go read/watch, it's cute :3